a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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That time Alicia messaged me
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.