A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”