A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.