A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher