A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Growing out my freckles.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Happy Febuary everyone!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.