Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring