A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

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Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.


Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.


The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.


Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.


No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying


WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.


My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love


Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.


Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!