A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I thought this was funny lol
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up