Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You Might Also Like
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My dad.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.