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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Smile they said.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
why no one uses midhusbands
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“Wait, let me explain..”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.