@bytaylorcox

A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.

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@AnniemuMary

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@cray_at_home_ma

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@WilliamAder

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@sheseemslegit

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@RexHuppke

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”