A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
RT if you could go either way.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.