A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

You Might Also Like


If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend


Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.


Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.


I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!


Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.


FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*


The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.


[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”