@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

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@rzarosco

Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. “You guys look like dumb idiots lol” says one Chinese guy

@shadesof666

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

@ThoughtOtter

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@Cpin42

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.