@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

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@Deirdreocx

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.

@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@marcia_bee

I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!

@JeffMyspace

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

@MegsHAUSTED

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

@PyrBliss

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”