him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man