A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
You Might Also Like
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.