COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride