@MartinPilgrim1

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

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@cambuslad

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

@TwinSurvivalist

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

@ambamthankyamam

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

@TheTweetOfGod

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

@WeedlordKrillin

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.