A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
never ask a starfish for directions
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”