@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

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@thatguyJA

I’m confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?

@Tobi_Is_Fab

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@GavinProbably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?