A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
You Might Also Like
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.