The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I wanna be friends with this person
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir