A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.


My current diet all ends with an S.

Everything that’s in sights.


You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks


Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep


Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.


“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl


Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy