DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
You Might Also Like
I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Everything that’s in sights.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
“There must be a better way!”
-Inventing the bread bowl
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy