A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.