Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.
Cant stop watching this
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*yeah, screw this*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.