A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

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Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.


One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.


Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!


Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.


[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler


10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.


*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*


mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him


A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.