A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point