A leaf blower, but for people.
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.