A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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Something Saturday.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!