A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Jail
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….