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@AndrewBloch: A librarian with a sense of humour...
@DropsNoPanties: Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won't pay it!
B: here's your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
@LADaddy: The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
@Storminika: *Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
@shesananteater: Cathy on FB is "feeling annoyed" and is asking why people even own cell phones if they're not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
@hellohappy_time: [dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired