A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
You Might Also Like
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.