Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*makes third wish*
Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.
[Transformed into really nice handbag]