A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.


When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.


[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!


seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!


karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]


[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO


[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*


*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]