I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
whatcha thinkin bout
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap