A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites