@AntiJokeJamal

A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.

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@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@behindyourback

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

@McMcmadmac

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

@thenatewolf

*she hears me singing in the shower*

Her: oh he’s so cute

*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*

Her: NATE NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@Parentpains

Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.

@saladinahmed

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

@CafeinatedBacon

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

@Darlainky

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

@PaulFrei

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.