How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.