A lion walks into a bar.

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.

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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.


Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved


We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!


*she hears me singing in the shower*

Her: oh he’s so cute

*she hears a guitar amp click on and feedback ring out*



Whenever I’m on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.


hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe


Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?


I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.


I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.