A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady