A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.


Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.


[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’


Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.


A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.


He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.


My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly


{Watching movie where genius is filling whiteboards with math}
ME: *Trying to impress date* Ah. Yes. I see. Because he carried the one.