College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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How I’d get arrested…
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.