A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
All set.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.