A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.