A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
You Might Also Like
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*