A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

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ME *enters new password*


M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind


I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”


Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.


White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.


Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.


[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now


On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.


When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend


no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit