A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.