A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?