Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
This is my bus stop.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.