I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
What the hell is going on?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
we all know this pain all too well
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”