@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

You Might Also Like

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@thisisapril00

I wake up every morning wishing for your happiness and banking information

@DrakeGatsby

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@LorieGZ

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

@3sunzzz

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.