me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
こいつ天才
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Hard not to take this personally
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️