A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?