My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
🤣could you imagine
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists