A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Oh deer
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?