“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.