[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
“i am a sweet baby”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal