@sweetg35

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

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@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

@Aspersioncast

So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.

@usermcuserface

I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

@BoothysTweets

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

@Jamie1947

A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I’ve lost my balance.

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho