A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior