A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”


I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”


So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.


I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.


[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]


I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.


A video montage of all the times my foot, still wet from the shower, has clung to my underwear as I pull them on, and I’ve lost my balance.


anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer


These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.


[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho