Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB