Finals come around and now you like the library?
Name 3 of their songs
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die