A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk


If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.


Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it


(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please


Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.


*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
M: I know. They were organized.


This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.


People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die