A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’