@chuuew

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

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@Kryzazy

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

@jeffswarens

If you stare at a 6 year old when they’re eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.

@ArfMeasures

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

@ThaJawn

(bank drive thru)

Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube

Banker: This is a can of Pringles

Me: Yes, savings please

@AHappierDay

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

@sir_shithead_I

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

@madcaplaughs30

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

@dumbbeezie

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die