A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?