A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

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Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to


I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.


Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs


She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.


My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.


The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.


Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.


Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”