No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…
Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.
Gynecologist: Um, your legs
She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’ve never been afraid to admit when other people are wrong
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life