A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol