@HomeProbably

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

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@ABurgerADay

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

@Darlainky

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@Home_Halfway

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@MsSkarsgaard

Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.

@KeetPotato

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?