[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?